The... Worst... Haircut... Ever.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 8:54PM 
These really are all pictures of meWell, as many of you know, I've enjoyed different hairstyles over the years. And I've encountered lots of different hairdressers and cuts, from the man in Strasbourg, France, who cut off about 4 inches of hair from the top of my head and shaved my full beard and mustache, to my Mom's hairdresser who gave me a "new look" which included a side-spike, to the guy in the Somali Mall in St. Paul, MN who had never cut a white person's hair before but managed. And I've not only varied my styles, I've also enjoyed the full spectrum of color. But I have to admit: never, never in my life, has my hair looked as comically bad as it does right now.
Krista had lovingly and wisely suggested I wait until we returned from our most recent trip to get a haircut. She knew we'd be taking lots of photos and wanted me to look presentable. As I said, very wise. So today I decided not to go to the Ugandan shop where I've had my hair cut twice. The first time, things were going along okay until the power went out and the fella cutting my hair couldn't use the electric clippers anymore. I knew I was in for an adventure when it took them a few minutes to locate a pair of scissors (which means they obviously weren't used often). But by the end I did have a decent haircut, although it was still a bit long on top. The second time I went to that shop, which is conveniently located just down the road from our house, another guy cut my hair and this time the power stayed on the whole time. I came out with the shortest haircut I've ever had. He used a half-inch guard on the sides and back and a 3/4-inch guard on the top. It was short. So this time I decided to try someplace new (and more "affordable"). My last two haircuts had cost $4 or $5 but I heard from fellow missionary Rev. Jacob Gillard that he gets his (more sparse) hair cut at a "normal" price for Uganda which is about 50 cents. So I thought I'd try the "normal" Ugandan experience. I should have known better. Krista says if I told her I was going somewhere for a 50 cent haircut she wouldn't have let me go. Even Jake's wife, Michelle, later asked me what in the world I was thinking - I think she said, "It's fine for Jake to go there, but you - you HAVE hair!"
We started out at "the 50-cent salon" with my hairdresser not understanding my Luganda and me not understanding his English. It didn't help that the radio was blasting. But, I figured, how bad could it be? It's just a haircut. And really, it is just a haircut and it's fine. But Krista has never laughed so hard at my hair before, so I figure it must be rather comical. I knew she was in for a treat when the hairdresser used the electric clippers to "straighten" my hairline in front. Yup, he shaved my forehead so I'd have a nice straight line where my bangs had formerly lain. Then he used the clippers vertically to cut straight across and remove those pesky bangs altogether resulting in (as you progress up my forehead) shaved scalp, 1/8th inch hair, 1/4 inch hair, 1/2 inch hair, 1 inch hair, and 1.5 inch hair. It's really quite a stunning effect since the short hair stands straight up and the longer hair rests on top of it. In the back things started out well as he used a trusty half-inch guard on his clippers to give me a nice even length. But, once again, I should have just stopped the whole business when the guard came off and he began "free-handing" to try and even out the hair. The problem, of course, isn't the hair but the shape of the skull underneath it. In the end, he free-handed the whole thing with the clippers. Cutting the top involved combing it down and then free-hand clipping any stray hair that stood up too high out of the combed-down hair. So the top is still long, the back is patchy, I have good clearance over my ears (about a 1/2 inch shaved over the top and behind the ears), and a shaved forehead which transitions nicely into the full-length top. Personally, I love it. I even paid him a full dollar since he took so long and I'm sure he endured endless hazing after I left. -Shauen
my forehead - profile view
the back of my head - thinning strangely
strange new thinning behind the ears
Shauen & Krista
I can't remember the last time I have laughed SO hard as I did when Shauen walked through the door with his new haircut. The pictures really don't do it justice, it's just so bad! He actually has it better than I do, he doesn't have to see it unless he passes a mirror. Me? I have no choice if I want to look at him! I did tell him that I was proud of him for being so adventurous, but why on earth did he not tell me he was going to Jake's barber?! Silly man! Knowing that, I could have predicted his results. I mean, when you live in a place where they don't know how to cut white people's hair, you splurge! Go for the $5 haircut, not the 50-cent one! I think he's learned his lesson. -Krista